I student at MTSU interviewed me for his project!

two years ago today.

September 17, 2011

there are so many things i want to tell you.

first, is that i intentionally did not want to anticipate this day with dread.
there are so many people who are chained to a day. or a season. or a feeling.
and so i had options. i could dread the anniversary of my wreck. i could put it out of my mind. or i could try to live a life of joy and come upon the day hoping not to find shackles on my heart.
i chose the latter.

so i came upon the week leading up to the anniversary without any consequence. aware of how much had changed this year and how much i remember from the past two years when fall comes. fall had always been my favorite of the seasons, and now, it is easy to let my mood change with the weather. it’s easier to occupy oneself with other thoughts when it is warm outside.

but i’ve been determined to bring about a new season with the fall, to redefine a time. and please don’t misunderstand, i’ve been doing really well. in fact, i’m very happy. i’ve been really working on my guitar, even left handed; and i’m getting so much better. i’m coming to realize how much God has in mind for me by relearning guitar. (more on this in the next post.) but God has taught me joy and i live and breathe in the challenge of it.

so i came upon the anniversary this week busy with my life. two days before i went on a walk with a good friend and we crossed the street to where the wreck took place. i’ve been back once before, but never by crossing the street. i could stand there and remember and i was fine. i’ve moved on. but yesterday was hard for a few hours.

i’m doing well today. and i am trying to understand why i was upset yesterday. it wasn’t the memories. it was remembering the journey and being on the journey.

i sometimes get overwhelmed by how much i want to do. how much i want to write, read, think, sing, dance, laugh. i want to learn, grow, work for my achievements, know people, explore new things, and love. i think one of the most important things that i’ve learned and i am still learning is to rejoice in sufferings.

how do we know joy on days like these?

if you find yourself dreading a day, i pray that you come to find joy. joy doesn’t always look like happiness, but i think the best way to describe it is trust. trust that there is something bigger than you. a God who is bigger than the moment you are in. trust requires letting go. i think it looks like acceptance. i think it feels like breathing. i think it moves in freedom. i pray for joy.

and i rejoice knowing that God knows my tomorrows.

six months.

March 19, 2010

yesterday marked six months since the day of my accident. it’s mind blowing to think it has been that long, yet it seems like it happened a long time ago. so much has happened since then. it’s strange thinking back to the various times outlined in this blog. my life has changed so dramatically each month.

i think i can proudly say that i have adjusted well to being a student again. it has been good to make it to uncharted waters (past the original three weeks) and experience all the joys of college i knew i was missing last semester. as much as i dislike waking up for my eight a.m. classes, i have tried to relish the fact that i am participating in the things i could not before.

i want to write about where i am now, six months in. i think it is really important for me to be honest. left-handed guitar makes me crazy. somedays are better than others, but it’s requiring more patience than i could have ever imagined. i’m making may way around G, C, and D, but not for very long before my fingers hurt and i begin to lose motivation. i’m trying to recall how this felt when i was first learning as a twelve or thirteen year old…i think it seemed easier then.

it should also be noted that i’m experiencing some level of post-traumatic stress disorder. i don’t think it was as prevalent while i was living at home, because i was physically separated from where the accident took place; however, my campus is a block away and that doesn’t always bode well. however, i am learning to deal with it. for example: when i’m driving, i seek out intersections with stop lights or stop signs and i avoid driving around 15th and wedgewood as much as possible. now that i have been on campus for about nine weeks, some of the symptoms of PTSD have lessened.

i am proud to say that i think i’m doing pretty good at six months in. one thing i have grown particularly proud of is my typing skills. (note the length of this post.) thank you all for your continual prayers. i’m blessed to know each and every one of you!