two months.

November 20, 2009

two days ago marked two months since the day of my accident. people have asked me if the time has flown by. in a way it has, but it also seems like that day was so long ago. isn’t that how it always is? time does seem to move a lot faster when life isn’t all consumed the way mine used to be. i feel like a kid on summer vacation. yet so much has happened in the past two months, i feel like that day was a year ago. i guess it is good to report that my days are not dragging along. but the 17th of the month always seems a little longer.

the past month has thankfully been a little quieter. more physical therapy, no surgery. it’s strange looking back on the challenges from the past two months. the day of my wreck. losing one finger. the week at the hospital. living with my hand attached to my hip. losing another finger. going home to heal. getting acquainted with a new hand. teaching that new hand old tricks…and those are only physical challenges. there have been several mornings i have woke up to look at my hand, only to realize that my fingers are not coming back, and the challenges are not going away. when i dream, i have two whole, healthy hands. i guess there’s a part of me that is under the impression that my body is just going through a phase, like a fractured wrist, and i will heal and go back to the way things were.

i’m slowly learning to see my hand as my hand. i know one day it will feel natural and all, but i also know i’ll look back on this moment and be glad i left it behind. the past two months have been a sequence of events i never want to live again. i never want to go back to the days i had my flap. i never want to go back to the day i saw my hand in the mirror for the first time. i’m sure i will not want to go back to this moment, but i’ve learned we must live in the difficult moments we are in until we can look back and see how far we’ve come.

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playing left-handed.

November 8, 2009

i’ve really been struggling with the loss of my music lately. now that i’m over the largest part of my immediate health struggle, i ache to do things i cannot.

my right hand doesn’t understand. i was listening to a new song by jason reeves with a beautiful guitar picking line. all i wanted to do at that moment was grab my guitar and pick the strings. (jason has this effect…check him out if you’re unfamiliar.) i miss playing my music. i took it for granted before all of this happened. it’s strange. i was never a singer-songwriter who constantly lived their instrument. it was my passion but it wasn’t ever something that i couldn’t go a while without. i could always go to it, and it would still be there. i rarely picked up my guitar just to play it. now it’s all i want to do.

for those of you who do not know, a wonderful friend blessed me with a left-handed guitar three days after my accident, while i was in the hospital. it has given me a lot of hope for my playing, but it frustrates me to know i will have to start over again after seven or so years of playing right-handed. the callouses that had formed on the fingertips of my left hand have softened to new skin. my right hand struggles to remember the form of the simplest chords. i wonder if i will get the fast-twitch muscle memory back in my left hand so i can pick the strings the way i used to.

i’ve been reading about other guitarists who suffer from hand disabilities and i came across an article on a guitarist with focal dystonia. apparently his ring and little finger are frozen, curled inward, without function. he switched to left-handed guitar, which is apparently about as easy as, ‘trying to breathe through your feet.’ i think this is hilarious, haha! but i am encouraged from the article. the man says you have to be willing to sound awful. this is huge for me, because i often get frustrated when i’m not picking up a skill immediately. (for my fellow music majors – case in point: ear training.) but i think this is good advice, especially for me. one thing that assures me is my constant desire to play now. i think it will get the guitar in my hands until it works. i hope it does…please pray for my patience.

moving forward.

November 5, 2009

i am happy to report i am healing very well. much has changed since my last post. i’m sorry it has been so long…see now how much i procrastinated as a student?

my last post (three weeks ago) had me in a soft cast the week after my second amputation. the soft cast served to keep my hand immobilized to protect my new skin graft. i went back down to vanderbilt on october 20th for my post op. they removed the cast, revealing my new hand to me for the first time. the medical technician told me i handled the situation better than ninety percent of his patients. this may be true, but after dealing with a groin flap every night for two and a half weeks, i feel like i’ve seen it all. and there is a lot of truth there. i had been preparing for that day for a long time. in all honesty, the most prominent emotion i was feeling at that moment was relief. my skin graft looked healthy. i was done with surgery for a while. i made the right decision for stage #6. i could move on.

one particular new struggle of the day was the ‘go go go’ my surgeon kept speaking of. translation: physical therapy. my middle and ring finger had essentially been immobilized for a month. they were stuck in a slightly bent curve. i could neither extend nor touch my thumb to my finger tips. my surgeon prescribed six weeks of PT, three times a week. fortunately i have been able to carry out the doctor’s orders here in columbus.

two weeks later i am not only touching my fingertips with my thumb but i am also gripping things, such as: a glass of water, my contact case, my hair (to tie it back), etc. this has been one of my greatest victories. it has been a challenge to be so completely one-handed. i’ve gotten extremely creative. i use the crook of my left elbow to grip bottles while my right hand twists off the cap. if that doesn’t work, i’ll try squeezing it between my knees or feet. haha! i have become much more independent, which is particularly exciting for me. although, the forced dependance i have endured this past month and a half has probably been a once in a lifetime experience.

i spent the entire past week in nashville as my roommate’s guest so i could sing with session and chorale in their fall concerts. (if you are not belmont savvy, session is an all women’s a cappella group that arranges all of their own music…we also happen to be amazing. chorale is a classical mixed ensemble. also amazing.) both groups have been so generous to keep me involved and it was so wonderful to be on stage again making music. it was a little strange being back at first. i had been separated from the campus for so long, i felt like a high school senior on a college visit. however, everyone was so welcoming and i am so blessed to be a part of such a wonderful place.

i still have a long way to go. the grip i have is often too weak. i still cannot make a fist. i still cannot straighten my fingers. but physical therapy has been going extremely well and i am eager to see how i will progress. in addition to soreness in my stiff fingers, i have been struggling from phantom pains (pain in my amputated fingers despite their absence.) it’s a very strange sensation, but overall my pain has been very tollerable. the spreading incision line i complained of in my last post is almost completely healed. all of my stitches have been removed and all the scabbing is gone. i still have some bandaging, but i have come so far. each new menial task i am able to complete on my own is a huge victory.

again, i am so grateful for the continual prayers.